...

An Attempt

I posted very negatively previously, but I think I was riding out a long overdue crash out. My parents left the house and my partner is breaking up with me, which has left me alone with my thoughts and contemplating where everything went wrong. I've always felt like a majority of my life is out of my control and it's been pushing me to make more and more mistakes than I'm willing to make. I remember reading before about a poker theory called tilting. Wiki says it's "A poker term for a state of mental or emotional confusion or frustration in which a player adopts a suboptimal strategy, usually resulting in the player becoming overly aggressive." What I didn't read about was the strategy to overcome it. The "ACE Protocol" stands for acknowledge, correct, execute. I keep blaming others for things that are out of their control, totally forgetting that I myself also have control. I can't be crying all the time. I can't expect others to be there for me when I need them. If I'm only planning to live til 40, then I am going to make it the best 5 years so I can go out without regret.

Acknowledge

I understand now that I have ADHD. Whether it's genetic or PTSD based, it's there. I'm not manifesting it, I'm not hoping that it excuses everything I've done up to this point. But I'm hoping it explains a lot about me, and gives me a chance to tackle my issues. It explains my executive dysfunction, it explains my eating habits, it explains how i interact with people, talking over them, getting distracted by a bird. It's not my fault, but it's my fault for not explaining to people what comes with the package and why it might hurt them even if what I do is unintentional. It's also my fault for not having protocols in place to save me from dangerous cycles that I can fall into.

I also acknowledge that I have gender dysphoria. It's something I've been able to correct from time to time, and I thought that doing something about it was the best thing to do right now. I changed my voice, grew my hair, changed my name. What they don't tell you is the on-going cultural arms-race that has plagued the internet. The more I dived into it, the more I realized that I was out of my depth. Bigots are getting better at clocking people like me. I would put in so much work, only to get frustrated when people misgender me even though I'm performing. I met a vocal coach and was involuntarily subjected to critique of my voice. "95 percent passing, I wouldn't be able to tell if I wasn't a voice coach." It upset me. But why am I performing? For other people? For myself?

There are things I need to accept. There are times I look in the mirror and I see a different person, and that's okay. I know who I am deep inside. I understand that life has priority tasks queued, and gender dysphoria is a luxury people in my position can't afford to sort out. Some things take precident, so this one is going to have to go back into the back pocket.

Correct

Here comes the correction part. Now that I know what my problems are, I need to start listing down my priorities and planning what kind of life I want, not for the future, but for right now. I can't live with my parents anymore. I can't have their constant negativity and their financial illiteracy drive me to an early grave. (I already have that planned for myself.) So I am dividing my plans into two categories. Short term and long term. Long term is to move out of this country and to enjoy my last days looking at the sky, eating ice cream next to railroad tracks, and maybe a murder of crows to keep me company. Even before I had a partner, I used to enjoy walking up to 7 eleven with a friend late at night, or eating at a KFC late into the morning. I guess a version of that would look a little bit different in a different country. I can do that.

Short term on the other hand, I need to solve the immediate issues I have. ADHD, Gender, Parents, Work. My issue with ADHD is the lack of medication that I need to tackle with it. I recently spoke with a doctor while looking for resources to address my gender dysphoria. She mentioned I potentially suffered from executive dysfunction, which stemmed from ADHD. I need medication to function. I haven't gotten to the next session yet, but I learned that apparently coffee is a good alternative stimulant. I've put myself off coffee for weeks because it wrecked my stomach, which explains why I've been so down recently. So for now, I am going to drink more coffee. Gender on the otherhand feels like an issue I've put enough work into with not good enough returns. I weighed the pros and cons and it feels like a permanent debuff to have to address it. Hormones would wreck me, financially and socially. Navigating social interactions, it would destroy me as an already socially awkward person. I think I am okay with being seen as one person by people I don't care for, and being seen as who I really am by others. Outside of gender, that's literally how the rest of the world works anyway. So my gameplan TODAY is to get my hair cut back to how it was when I was in high-school. Straight up barber's cut with no frills. Say goodbye to this tangled mess.

This should cut down on my anxiety of having to apologize when I greet people, be mistaken for a ma'am, only for them to apologize after they see me in my entirety. It should also cut down on my need to be acknowledged as a woman because there's no pressure anymore. I don't want to be seen as one so I can't possibly get upset right? Cutting my hair short also improves my shower times, and lessens the emotional burden of having to plan showers, which have been a big blocker for my daily schedule. For my parents, I can't live with them anymore. I am emotionally drained. They did a lot for me growing up, but i'm not in an ok place anymore. I cannot stand the emotional 4D chess I have to play every single fucking day. Everything feels like it needs to be calculated. Food, TV, purchases, my own fucking time, money. It's enough of a balancing act to do so on my own and I have to help an emotionally stunted 57 year old with an enabling 60 year old as well? I have no chance here. This is a two-birds-one-stone kind of situation. I solve this, I solve my work issues as well! I've decided to pick up some boxes and start packing. I don't have a place lined up yet, but I've started considering picking up a studio on my own. My soon to be ex-partner are on a break, which has thrown my plans into disarray. But I blamed her for not being there for me which scared me from finding a place for the both of us. I can't blame her now. I shouldn't blame her at all even. I am going to start calling around for some single studios. I can afford a studio. I miss here severely and I hate that I can't talk to her. But this way, when she calls and says its over, I have a place. If she calls and says she wants to give us a chance, she can maybe move in? It would be a tight fucking squeeze, but I would love to live with her and give us a chance. I sincerely think living together would make a majority of our problems magically disappear. New problems will appear sure, but we can be there for each other? Once I move out everything falls into place. My credit card has been fully paid off and I'm starting to make savings again. I can start looking for a way to leave again. I can do this on my own. I don't want to force anyone into a position of taking care of me. Yet I have my old boss talking to me and listening to my problems. I'm genuinely surprised my Rob gave me a chance to sort things out and even related to my problems. I keep disqualifying myself as a person who has no worth, but people do see me. There are strings I can still pull to get myself out of this hell hole.

Execute

At this point, the entirety of my ranting has gotten heavy. I plan to document my successes here so that I have something to look back to. I'm not going to lie, I'm scared. I don't know how viable everything I'm planning is. But I've never been one to back out. I always try, even if I trail off or fail to succeed. I will take fucking control. I'm going out to buy the boxes. Then I'm going to get that damn hair cut. TODAY. then I'm going to go home, clean out my room, and get some work done. When my next salary comes in, I am taking that 1 br studio. It's going to be hard. I've given myself 'til the end of the week. That's when my parents get home. I think that once the ball starts rolling, I'll be out of here faster than people think I would be. There is one thing I need to do before I start though. I finally figured out where my old nanny was burried. I got in touch with her sister and we figured out where she was on a map. I'm going to go this weekend.

Cookie

-->

Update